TOP TEN EVENTS IN THE SOUTHSIDE WINTER OLYMPICS

By Torry Stiles

10. ThermoSpat: Hand-to-hand combat with your spouse over control of the thermostat.

9. Fixture Skating: Slip-sliding across the patio to winterize the garden hose.

8. Alibiathlon: Create a unique excuse after being tardy for the third time this week because you refuse to get up earlier to scrape off your car.

7. Layer Player: How much can you wear and still walk?

6. Sniffleball: Wad up those used Kleenex and chuck them into the trash can.

5. Southport Steeplechase: Hit the road but miss the potholes on your trip to Kroger’s.

4. Krogering: Beat the crowd to the last of the eggs, milk and bread.

3. Snowman Speed Building: Construct your Frosty before it all melts.

2. Peach Vodkaball: Just like beach volleyball but instead of a beach and volleyball you sit in your recliner with a bottle of peach-flavored vodka.

1. Chili Cook-Off: I’m going for the gold, who’s got the beans?