Top 10 ways to ruin Christmas

By Torry Stiles

10.  Test the artificial tree’s claim of being fireproof. Bonus points if it’s at somebody else’s house.

9. Ask every female guest between 18 and menopause at the office party if they are pregnant. Act surprised at their denials while glancing at their bellies.

8.  Secretly replace all of the Santa decorations with pictures of Burl Ives.

7. Advertise a special estate sale with lots of goodies at the houses of people who have left for the holidays.

6. Replace the nametags on the presents with tags naming people nobody knows.

5. Hang random food items amidst the tree ornaments.

4.  Invite the family over and leave a positive Covid test on the bathroom sink.

3. Invite yourself to a stranger’s family Christmas.

2.  Cut turkey cooking time in half by doubling the oven temperature.

1.Stage a scene with your Elf on a Shelf that’ll earn him the nickname, “Stumpy.”