Top 10 things I’ll be doing to cope with the next quarantine

By Torry Stiles

10. Counterfeiting “Essential Worker” passes.

9. We’ve already got Uber Eats and Door Dash, so I’m starting an adult beverage service called Beer Me.

8. Creating my own university degree in essential oil therapy and denouncing everything the government says all while proclaiming, “I’m a doctor.”

7. Road trip to someplace nice just before they shut down all travel again.

6. More day drinking, less TV.

5. Graduate from perfecting my banana bread baking skills and move right up to cooking meth with an old Easy-Bake Oven.

4. Keep folks out of the Walmart by sharing the rumor that the zombies have taken over.

3. Move completely over the line from Marion County to Johnson County so I can start going out for pizza earlier.

2. Shave completely bald now to avoid that “Five-weeks-no-barber” look.

1. Stocking up now to be a toilet paper tycoon.