By Torry Stiles
(Dear readers – Nancy Price has been the chief cook and bottle washer for our happy little paper the last few years but is preparing to move on after this edition. We all wish her well. I just happen to have few ideas for her replacement.)
10. Be firm in your convictions. Never print anything using words more profane than, “poop.”
9. Be bold. More articles written by house pets, farm animals and folks who aren’t afraid to say, “poop.”
8. Be innovative. More “Do It Yourself” articles, but with a difference: hire local surgeons to write.
7. Hire Long’s Donuts to cater the newsroom, and I might just show up once in a while.
6. Go back to printing the school lunch menus. This’ll tick off the kids doing e-learning at home and scarfing SpaghettiOs for the third time this week.
5. Offer a few columns each week for local high schoolers to showcase their journalistic talents. Above the fold if they can avoid quoting Wikipedia and using a single, “LOL.”
4. More press credentials. I am volunteering to cover the next monster truck show or $5 pitcher night at Hooters.
3. With Rick Hinton doing all of that paranormal stuff I think we can ease up on the rules about using ghost writers.
2. A pay raise for the Top Ten guy. I propose 50 percent more since half his stuff is halfway funny about half the time.
1. “Scratch ‘n’ Sniff” front page headlines. Optional when we do articles about the latest sewer project.