Top ten new things learned at the hospital
by Torry Stiles
(Dear readers – I managed to finagle another few nights at the Hotel Saint Francis this past week. The stay was short but lasted long enough to further endear me to the staff.)
10. Don’t be mean to anyone: even the junior lunch lady has the opportunity to spit in your food.
9. Moan a lot when the rude kids visit next door and they don’t come around as often.
8. The robes are no less charming nor modest than everyone remembers which I realize now is just one more incentive for you to stay in bed and out of the way.
7. They put an alarm on my bed and chair so I can’t get up without them knowing it. When I was a kid my parents prayed for the day I would get up and “go” on my own. Fifty years later they are demanding I have an escort.
6. X-ray technicians who claim to no longer fear radiation exposure worry me. I figure they are just a few steps away from being the next Superman villain.
5. Next time I stay here I want to bring along some fake blood to pour in the bed to entertain all the folks who look in my door as they pass by.
4. Food is better than last visit…except the coffee. The coffee still has that ‘used bedside plastic container’ taste. Veterans of the place will know what kind of plastic container I’m talking about.
3. There are an awful lot more men discussing nipple tenderness than I would ever have imagined. …. Their own nipple tenderness.
2. Nurses control the place. Their primary job is to convince the doctors otherwise.
1. “Make Boom-boom” is an acceptable medical term.