Top ten reasons this week’s list isn’t done
by Torry Stiles
10. Blew my money at the Marion County Fair bingo tent and I have to work off my debt in the dunk tank.
9. Horoscope looked bad. Afraid to touch anything with sharp edges. Those keyboards are killers, you know.
8. My mom says she has every one of my lists. I want to NOT write one so she can’t have it. It’ll drive her crazy.
7. Camped out at the movie theater to be first in line for the new Spider-Man movie. My phone is already dead and I really have to go potty.
6. New diet has me a bit loopy. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Roosevelt. How’s Franklin?
5. With all of the “fake news” out there, I have learned I have become a reliable source. The New York Times has my phone ringing off the hook.
4. Mr. Fluffypants says I can’t leave my room. We don’t want to anger Mr. Fluffypants now, do we? Hmmmmmm?
3. I’ve been busy Googling my name and claiming copyright infringement against Tori Spelling, Clare Torry, Tory Holt and the British Tory party.
2. The Southside Times’ editor says I can’t turn in any more columns that aren’t funny. I got nothin’ here.
1. The doctor says I have diabetes so I am spending all of my time standing outside of Long’s Donuts inhaling deeply.