Torrys top 9: Tips for the incoming police chief

By Torry Stiles

(Dear readers – In case you missed the news, Sergeant Jim Leonard was recently named the new Chief of Police for Homecroft. I consider it my civic duty to offer a bit of advice.)
10. Add a music channel to the police radio. Call it Felony FM.
9. Instead of loud sirens install loudspeakers on the police cars and have them play the old Benny Hill theme song.
8. While you’re at it, add big numbers to the sides of the police car and every once in a while have a race. I bet we could get sponsors.
7. When you cite someone for setting off fireworks improperly please do so by getting them out of bed at 5AM.
6. Require all officers to start their shift with daily briefing, weapons check and a brisk jog to their cars chanting, “ Bad boys. Bad boys. Whatcha gonna do?”
5. Have a supply of your officer’s nametags written backwards just to mess with folks taking field sobriety tests.
4. I know we can’t bring back public hangings or the stocks but could you at least make a habit of leaving a window open at the jail so we can walk around outside going, “Neener, neener, neener.?”
2.  Settle once and for all the battle for best donuts on the Southside. Who better to fight it out than the men and women of the Homecroft Police Department?
1. Get at least one more sign so folks know where Homecroft is.