TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED ON VACATION

By Torry Stiles

(Dear readers: While the rest of the country was worried about elections and red and blue states, I chose to take a few days off in Los Angeles, California. Not one to admit to being a slacker, I respectfully submit the following. )

10. The jokes about L.A. traffic jams are quite accurate. Just imagine your worst trip on 465 or 65 and add three more lanes. Then stop to realize that marijuana is legal there now so you can’t be sure which cars are the stoners.

9. A $40 steak can make you just as sick as a $5 hamburger.

8. To effectively change lanes in L.A. traffic it is recommended that one: A. Check mirrors for clearance. Don’t panic if there are none. B. Turn on their turn signal. C. Count to three and just go for it. If you’re in anything larger than a Flexi Flyer they should back off to keep from scratching their car.

7. Southern California politics are even cheesier than ours. I’m not sure how effective she’ll be but I heard an ad for a county clerk who promises to lead the fight against Trump.

6. The wife doesn’t want to hear anything about her hair until after we get some decent conditioner.

5. They’ve banned the free peanuts on airplanes but are allowing you to bring your pet dog on board. If I bring a package of peanut butter crackers on board, I could be kicked off the plane. If I announce I’ m allergic to dogs who has to walk home?

4.  A lot of people like to talk to themselves but If you get in an argument with yourself that leads to fisticuffs with innocent palm trees then you need to rethink your priorities.

3. A revealing bathing suit should never reveal stuff no one else wants to see.

2. My daughter is enamored with sharks. She would be willing to have one bite her for the experience.  If one mosquito shows up at a cookout, she’s screaming for a gallon of DEET.

1.There’s no place like home, which is why we take vacations.