TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED NOT TO DO DURING MY LATEST STAY IN THE HOSPITAL

By Torry Stiles

(Dear readers – I did it again. I went and got sick enough to have to spend a few days in St. Francis Hospital. I just can’t seem to stay away. I think it’s because of the free WiFi.)

10. Don’t panic when I see something fly past my window. It’s not a vulture but a Cessna heading to the Greenwood Airport.

9. Don’t make fun of the nurse by pointing out that you had a Capri Sun juice pouch hanging from the IV rack since the shift change.

8. They expect some pilferage but really frown on you stealing enough gauze to re-enact the chase scene from The Mummy.

7. The chaplains at St. Francis are fantastic people who do great work. That being said, I wish they had a better sense of humor when I’d go into my whole Exorcist bit.

6. Everybody hates it when you scream. Even more when you just randomly yell, “Bingo!” all night long.

5. They appreciate you being helpful but refuse to let you join them on their rounds and give a second opinion.

4. Do not bring raw chicken parts with you to “cough up” later.

3. Don’t hire your cousin’s kid to wander around whispering, “I see dead people.”

2. Nurses hate it when you walk into a stranger’s room and proclaim, “Wow. I was betting with day nurse that you’ d be gone by now.”

1.Be good during your stay. You may be back one day and they’ll remember you – especially if you’re a biter.