By Torry Stiles

10. If you have to leave your kid at home then your husband will have to babysit. If your husband is babysitting he won’t be at the party whining about the lack of beer and ESPN.

9. Face it. You got an ugly kid who growls at people. Either get him a sitter or a pet carrier. 

8. My cousin’s father paid $10,000 for a professional video team at the wedding last week only to have your kid screaming the “Baby Shark” song all through the vows.

7. Last year your little darling went potty all over our CFO and we all had to chip in for dry cleaning and a gift card to Ruth’s Chris. I’ve never been to Ruth’s Chris.

6. The Poky Little Puppy is never mentioned in the treasurer’s report.

5. There will be no chicken nuggets or French fries anywhere in the room.

4. Dinner buffets are not a tactile learning experience.

3. Your daughter knows more cuss words than my uncle Bob and he was in the Navy.

2. I have some very serious drinking to do and your kid keeps coming over to me with an empty sippy cup.

1. They insist on asking how old I am.