TOP TEN REASONS TORRY STILES SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE THE NEXT SOUTHSIDE TIMES MOVIE REVIEWER

By Torry Stiles

Dear readers: Our movie critic, Adam Staten, has moved on to bigger and better things with cheaper popcorn prices. This has left The Southside Times with a gap in its writing staff. I have been asked if I wish to take over the position. I have been mulling over some of the pros and cons of the idea. Write us and let us know what you think.

10. Pro: If I want to sneak off to a bar somewhere I can just tell the wife I’m going to see a movie. She never reads my stuff anyway.

9.  Con: The diabetes doctor won’t be happy with my diet of 40-ounce Cokes, caramel corn and Junior Mints.

8. Pro: I’ll be spending less time playing online games and looking at websites with the word “hub” in their names.

7. Con: I’m not sure what kind of discount plan I can get for tickets and free Junior Mints.

6. With so many people drinking bottled water the movie theater floors are much less sticky these days.

5. Con: I rarely go to see a movie that doesn’t feature at least one character in a cape and a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

4. Pro: I haven’t been kicked out of a theater in years. None of the “pimple factories” working security were even born then.

3. Con: My scoring system is automatically skewed in favor of any film showing big explosions, fighting robots or half-naked women.

2. Pro: The folks at the paper say they’ll triple my pay. Triple! That’s, like, gobs more than double. (Editor’s note: The only thing that will “triple” will be the number of visits to your diabetes doctor. Hope you have good insurance!)

1. Con: Sooner or later there will be a romance story my wife wants to see with me. My stomach can’t handle those… unless there are fighting half-naked robots.