Top Ten New Year’s resolutions I really might think about trying to keep this year – maybe

By Torry Stiles

10. Do not go to an axe-throwing bar with clumsy friends who owe me money. 

9. Stop bothering my neighbors by insisting I meet and pet their dogs, especially when the dogs are inside, and nobody is home. 

8.  Keep extra cash on hand to make bail. 

7. Cut back on any food with the word “happy” in its name.

6. Use the word “tarnation” more often. 

5. Less taste-testing in the grocery store, especially in the meat department. 

4. Stop smuggling lobsters out of the meat department, even if it is for their own good. 

3. Figure out who is ratting me out at the grocery store. 

2. Quit insisting my co-workers address me as, “Your lordship.”

1.Avoid angering the wife, boss, editor or anyone in a position to spit on my food.