By Torry Stiles

10. “I am proud to announce the newest addition to the U. S. Navy: the U.S.S. Homecroft. This new level of stealth ship is impossible to find.”

9. “We are creating a new trade school in Beech Grove: building Figure-8 race cars.”

8. “We will improve the transparency of government by tripling our purchase of Windex.”

7. “Now that we are moving forward with a Hate Crime Bill, I would like to launch a new program to protect the mildly annoyed. This will give immunity for people who throw other people’s dog’s poo back into their own yards.”

6. “To improve our children’s opportunities for post-secondary education, I have begun a new scholarship program for UIndy, Franklin College and our own Comic Book University.”

5. “I have directed my staff to move forward with legislation requiring 24/7 service at Mrs. Curl’s, Jimmy’s Diner and Long’s Donuts.”

4. “In support of the arts, I hereby decree that coloring inside the lines is optional.”

3. “I am launching a new public transportation program that will both help people get around and be entertaining. We will hire people with southern accents to drive around in pickup trucks offering rides. We will call it Guber.”

2. “I am moving on legislation to prosecute any food server who gives me Miracle Whip when I ask for mayonnaise.”

1. “Police officers will no longer write tickets for minor offenses but will instead give out noogies.”