TOP 10 THOUGHTS ABOUT MY 59TH BIRTHDAY, DODGING THE ‘RONA AND WHATNOT

By Torry Stiles

10. I’m just a year shy of my 60th birthday this week. I have passed the point of where I will never get back more in Social Security than I have contributed. Now if I can only live long enough to collect.

9. It is amazing how many people thought I’d be in the pine box after testing positive for coronavirus last week. A couple had me in a betting pool. My wife was ticked off because she lost 20 bucks.

8. Everyone is talking about the “new normal.” I just want to get the salt shakers back on the tables.

7. I may not be able to “cut a rug” but at least I know how to work the carpet cleaner.

6. The doctors said I could go back to work if I was three days without symptoms. Those who know me know I can’t go three minutes without some sign of serious problems.

5. I am exactly twice the age of my oldest pair of underwear.

4. They tell me I was supposed to get two weeks off with pay for testing positive. I guess I could have stayed home but I couldn’t take one more minute of Mama’s Family.

3. NASCAR without fans is like watching dirty videos but everyone keeps their clothes on.

2. Birthday cake and ice cream lose their charm when you’re doing the math on your next insulin injection.

1.If you’re needing some time off just call and I’ll cough into my phone for you.