Top 10 things your health provider would like you to know

By Torry Stiles

10. Vaccines don’t cause autism. Birds are real. You need to read more books.

9. If you never had ancestors then kids probably won’t either.

8.  Don’t drink out of stray cups you find near the nurse’s station.

7. Not all physical therapists were on track and field scholarships. Sometimes they’re former hockey players.

6. You’re fat because you eat too much and move around too little. Nothing in the Amazon catalog fixes that by itself.

5. I can smell what you’ve been smoking. Everybody can. Stop saying you’ve quit because of the baby. That kid has such a contact buzz that every chair is a “high” chair.

4.  Wash your hands. Seriously. That’s it. Wash ‘em.

3. Yes, there really are other people in the waiting room sicker than you so please be patient and leave the nurse alone.

2. Tickling the baby won’t make it stutter.

1. All those studies that told you that the problem was fatty food were paid for by companies making the sugary food.