By Porkrinds Stiles
(Dear readers: Porkrinds has been pestering me for a chance to pen another column. It’s been a while so I figured with the State of the Union, Chinese spy balloons and the Doomsday Clock almost to midnight what could it hurt? – Torry Stiles)
10. Y’all gotta stop listenin’ to that groundhog. He ain’t even a real hog.
9. I just don’t unnerstan y’all’s guvmint. Every year y’all dig a deeper hole of stuff ya ain’t paid for, and the only way y’all can fix it is to argue about digging it deeper.
8. Just ‘cause eggs is more expensive don’t mean y’all got more room for sausage on your plate.
7. Your babies are YOUR problem. Get they’s grubby fingers outta the food on the buffet line.
6. Stop ridin’ ‘roun’ the Kroger in that electric cart when the only thing wrong with you is you needs to walk off some of those extra bags of Doritos.
5. Don’t hurt to take that grosh’ry cart back to the cart corral when you done, neither.
4. Them Doober Eats an Floor Dash drivers remember who be tippin’ an’ who don’t. Make it a solid twenny percent or they gonna be in that bag lickin’ the salt off the fries an’ puttin’ ‘em back.
3. Women’s gonna get wrinkles same as anybody. When ya try ta fights it is when ya gets that creepy Madonna face. Y’all end up lookin’ like Muppets.
2. Quitcher whinin’ over who coachin’ the football team. It ain’t you an’ it ain’t me an’ either way ain’t gonna be no more slop in your bowl whoever it is.
1. Y’all gotta stop walkin’ in to the Dollar General stinkin’ like Snoop Dogg’s used drawers and complainin’ about the prices.
