Top 10 things I’ve learned watching Congressional hearings

By Torry Stiles

10.  “Innocent until proven guilty” never has a chance against a senator facing a primary.

9.  Why no one has ever had a pizza delivered in the middle of one of those like Spicolli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High I will never understand.

8. Each senator has five minutes for each round of questioning. Just let ’em jabber on and their time will run out and you can go home for lunch without having to say anything.

7.  You can turn off the sound and it really makes just as much sense.

6. If the table is slapped more than twice during anyone’s testimony then the Congressman is probably up for election back home.

5. The truth is out there but probably not in the same room as the hearing.

4. They really love “yes or no” answers until it’s their turn.

3. If you try to out-Southern a senator they get really mad and go nuclear with the corn pone talk.

2. A witness’ level of expertise is proportional to the number of their Grammies, Oscars and Emmies. Tony awards don’t mean diddley.

1.If they call you in and you don’t show you get indicted. If they call you up and you lie you get indicted. If you show up and just say, “I don’t know,” they yell at you and send you home.