Top 10 rejected COVID-19 guidelines

By Torry Stiles

10. Please avoid licking anything that isn’t yours.

9. Schools and churches are required to keep children apart whenever possible. This, however, does not grant them the right to duct tape children to classroom furniture.

8. Masks are mandatory at all times unless eating. Gum and tobacco chewing doesn’t count no matter how much you swallow. Please remove the mask before blowing bubbles or spitting.

7. If there are any small businesses left downtown please be patient: we’ll get to you as fast as we can. We can only shut down so many each day.

6. All restaurant brewpubs must immediately stop serving those god-awful IPAs. They taste like beer-soaked car fresheners, so knock it off.

5. All citizens are henceforth barred from calling whistleblowers “Karen” unless their name is actually Karen.

4. Capacity shall be measured by the number of seats available. No, wait. By the square footage involved. No. … Um … well, we’ll let you know when you have too many.

3. Playing sports is strongly discouraged, however, betting on sports online is fine. Please download our new app.

2. Double dipping your chips is an automatic $1,000 fine.

1. We all must stay 6 feet apart unless sharing our TikTok videos in which case the distance is increased to 12 feet.