By Torry Stiles
(Dear readers: A recent discussion with some friends brought this list from April of 2013 to mind. I unashamedly repeat it as a reminder.)
10. They really have their sights set on a vacation in Paris … Paris, IL will do.
9. His father never hugged him. Gave him leadership of one of the most repressive regimes on the planet, but never hugged him. He’s just looking for a hug.
8. One of their pep rallies got out of hand and T-P-ing our football field wasn’t enough to satisfy the crowd.
7. Going for the big aids package: “We declare war on Monday, be vanquished Tuesday and rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams by Friday night!”
6. Had all these shiny tank-y and bomb-y doodads and didn’t know what to do with them.
5. Has to talk mean and tough because the other leaders at the Presidents Club make fun of a guy named Kim.
4. Beyoncé turned down their invite and went to Cuba instead.
3. Their government blocks CNN and Fox so they missed the whole Iraq/Afghanistan thing.
2. That whole gun ban thing had them convinced we’d be vulnerable.
1. Conquering South Korea is the only way they can get ESPN and HBO.