By Torry Stiles
(Dear readers: Well, ol’ Torry did it again. The ticker wasn’t ticking right, and it was off to the emergency room I went. Came out the same day but I learned that the virus has changed a few things.)
10. The lobby is a lot quieter than it used to be. Used to be it was as bad as Chuckie Cheese on a Friday but nowadays all you got are nurses, security guards and one lady who’s there to keep you from stealing the hand sanitizer.
9. Back in the exam room it’s packed with gurneys in the hallway. I shared a spot between the laundry cart and some machine that I found out I wasn’t supposed to touch no matter how much I wanted to plug in my phone charger.
8. Not a lot of extra amenities. I had security called on me when I went “halfsies” on a pizza delivery with the guy on the other side of the laundry cart.
7. Nurses are still the greatest part of the visit. The whole mask thing makes it hard to remember which ones you’ve already ticked off.
6. Note to self: do not try to bribe the janitor to go to the liquor store and bring back a case of Corona. Some of them have no sense of humor.
5. For all the chaos it was actually quieter in the emergency room than before. Not having all those extra people crowding in the rooms to steal tongue depressors and fight over the TV remote makes a big difference.
4. I don’t know where they get these chaplains, but God bless ’em. I think they’d find you a virgin and a volcano if that’s what you needed for comfort.
3. Try not to cough. No matter what. Unless the doc is holding on and you’ve turned your head.
2. Before you try to unplug something to charge your phone make sure the guy on the next gurney isn’t plugged into it.
1. I walked out owing a couple of hundred dollars and nobody batted an eye. I’ve had waitresses tackle me in the Texas Roadhouse parking lot for leaving a $2 tip.