Top 10 new rules for IMPD suggested by the General Orders Committee

By Torry Stiles

10. All arrests will include the reading of the arrestee’s rights and a chance to say they’re really, really sorry.

9. Police officer belts will include their pistol, mace, handcuffs and a change-maker for the parking meters.

8. Jaywalking will be permitted provided the jaywalker is doing that “walk like an Egyptian” thing.

7. Traffic tickets will be printed with Zoo Book coupons on the back.

6. To save money the paddy wagons will be replaced by Ubers. Let the drivers know they don’t get paid if the prisoner doesn’t make it back to the jail.

5. Effective immediately IMPD will be training dachshunds as police dogs. Those little buttheads are vicious, man.

4. The old, “I have to get home to poop,” story from speeders will be honored only with proof.

3. No more telling rookies that the siren is broken and making them stick their heads out the window and go, ” Woo-woo-woo!”

2. All breathalyzer tests must end with a free sucker.

1.All police chases must begin with the cops counting, “One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.”