Top 10 items in my State of the Southside address (should I ever be called upon to give it)

By Torry Stiles

10.  It is with great regret I report that I have no control over the Lotus Garden menu other than to assure you that the Tiki Bowl will still pack a mean kick, and generations of Southside children will fall over in hysterics at the mere mention of the pupu platter.

9. I will say nothing more about the condition of our roads other than to remind you that we have many fine tire retail stores and garages on the Southside.

8. I have asked all government agents and private companies to cease using the phrase, “Welcome to Southport: Gateway to Greenwood.”

7. Just a reminder: if he’s tapping on your car window while wearing a police officer uniform he’s probably a cop and not a panhandler. Open your window and talk to him.

6. Girl Scout cookie season is almost over. We ask all Southsiders to hurry up and buy as we have Little League candy right around the corner.

5. Southside residents are asked to refrain from pouring their Russian vodka into the sewers and waterways. The carp are getting to like it, and have you ever had to pay for rehab on a carp?

4.  We continue to study the introduction of online betting for our high school sports. The beer and liquor licenses can’t be far behind. Remember: it’s all about education.

3. We are going to make sure the library is well-stocked with the complete WWE WrestleMania archive.

2. The future looks good: Brozinni Pizzeria will be open any day now.

1. If y’all could stop driving through our schools and ice cream parlors, that would be nice.