Top 10: Complaints from Santa Claus

By Tory Stiles

10. “After Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis made it big a lot of the elves have gone Hollywood on me.”

9. “I was born over a thousand years ago. I don’t have a passport or a driver’s license. What makes people think I can produce a vaccine card?”

8. “A lot of kids are writing me emails and linking to the websites of toys they want. Now I’ve got a dozen Nigerian princes spamming me every day and some guy in Arkansas sending me naked pictures.”

7. “The Labor Board keeps trying to fine me for child labor violations. They’re elves! The youngest one is Jeff over in the warehouse and he was born in 1637.”

6. “People keep mistaking me for Ed Asner.”

5. “FAA rules don’t allow a red light in front and Rudolph gets carsick facing backwards.”

4. “Magic corn prices are through the roof so I’ve been running the reindeer on E-85.”

3. “They’re paying fifteen bucks an hour to start at McDonald’s. How am I gonna get somebody to carve wooden trains for room, board and all the hot chocolate they can drink?”

2. “Somebody in the body shop painted, ‘Let’s go Brandon!’ on the bottom of the sled.”

1. “Elon Musk won’t stop bugging me about the magic reindeer thing.”