Torry’s Top Ten 7/31/14

July 31, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs the guy in the lobby is the one the cops are looking for

 

10. The sign at the door said, “Please take a number.” He took all of them, the dispenser and the sign.

9. He keeps mumbling, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

8. Everybody else has a name tag with their name on it. His says, “You don’t see me.”

7. Every few minutes he peeks up from behind the couch then goes back to whispering into his phone.

6. Every few minutes he kicks his duffle bag to make it stop squirming.

5. Just sitting there… in the lobby… next to the receptionist’s desk… in his pickup truck.

4. He just got done arguing with the artificial ficus tree and is now engaging the water fountain in conversation.

3. He’s the only one wearing bright orange.

2. Every time the elevator bell rings he begins drooling and calling out for a Dr. Pavlov.

1. He’s just sitting there quietly. Reading the Sports Illustrated… naked as the day he was born.

Torry’s Top Ten 7/17/14

July 17, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten recent Torry quotes

 

10. “He’s known to call the Operator to get the number for 911.”

9. “If stupid is as stupid does then you’re doing it right.”

8. “I need my daily dietary requirement of artificial lemon flavor and high fructose corn syrup.”

7. “The only painful part was when it hurt.”

6. (After watching a racecar driver crash out another one) “He wants to win in the worst way and that’s the worse way.”

5. “Only a half-wit runs off half-cocked after hearing only half the story.”

4. “If you don’t get it now then it won’t be any funnier after I have to explain it.”

3. “Last night I refereed a fight between a 70-pound dog and a 150-pound pig. The next match is for the championship.”

2. “Sometimes you find the right thing in the wrong place.”

1. (While coping with someone else’s unruly child) “I wouldn’t need more self-control if you had used more birth control.”

Torry’s Top Ten 7/3/14

July 3, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten reasons you got kicked out of the county fair

 

by Torry Stiles

 

10. Carnies keep a ‘barred list’ and you’re at the top – with pictures and police reports.

9. You tried to shoot out the little red star with your own machine gun.

8. Just because you can hit the cop’s car with a candy apple from the top of the Ferris Wheel doesn’t mean you should.

7. They caught you plastering the Democrats’ tent with the Republicans’ stickers again.

6. You’re not supposed to spit back at the llamas.

5. Even the Gideons were tired of you asking for free stuff.

4. You got caught giving free chili dogs to the kids in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl.

3. The 4H-ers in the Poultry Barn didn’t appreciate the humor of your poking the birds with a fork.

2. Your second place finish in Tuesday’s demolition derby was negated by the fact that the demo derby was on Saturday and was held at the arena and not the east parking lot.

1. You said, “Tastes like horse,” at one concession stand too many.

Torry’s Top Ten

June 27, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten bad responses to the statement, “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

by Torry Stiles

10. “I refuse to pull your finger.”

9. “Nothing surprises me anymore. I’ve been to two World’s Fairs and I’ll tell you a goat story someday.”

8. “If this is about another Pauly Shore movie then just kill me now.”

7. “Is this the kind of surprise that means one of us needs to leave town?”

6. “You’re too young to be my real daddy.”

5. “The last surprise left me in Intensive Care for a week.”

4. “Is this related to the sirens I heard earlier?”

3. “Dang it! Why do I always pick up the cop?”

2. “Oh, no. The last surprise cost me $125 a week for 18 years.”

1. “You’re coming out? A little late, the guys in the shop already figured it out. This is 2014 – no big deal.”

Torry’s Top Ten 6/19/14

June 19, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten things for other people to worry about

 

by Torry Stiles

 

10. Amish crane operators.

9. Civil War re-enactors making the “Pew-pew!” sound when they pretend to shoot their guns.

8. People using the word, “ergo.”

7. Why no one uses the term “ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong” in normal conversation more often.

6. When “four out of five doctors” prefer one medicine over another why do we never check to see if the fifth one might have found something better?

5. What’s in that corndog?

4. Why some restaurants’ French fries do not change shape even after years stuck in between the car seat.

3. What happens to the animals that lose the 4-H contest at the fair?

2. Where the last of the good strawberry jelly went – the one with real chunks of strawberries, not this cheap store brand stuff.

1. That strange scratching noise you think you heard just as you were nodding off last night.

Torry’s Top Ten 5/29/14

May 29, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs you didn’t hire the best

by Torry Stiles

10. “When can I start calling in sick?”
9. “Which one is the boss’ daughter? I hear she’s a hottie.”
“Young man, I happen to be her mother.”
“Guess what I heard about you.”
8. “Where in the company dress code does it say, ‘Zipped up at all times?’”
7. “Which pays better: Workman’s Comp or Unemployment? I can go either way.”
6. “Hey, boss? Where do we keep the fire extinguishers?”
5. “I just have to slide past the drug test this first time, right?”
4. “This clocking in thing – it’s not, like, an everyday thing – is it?”
3. “Good morning, Cupcake!”
“Young man, I happen to be the owner of this company.”
“Good morning, Mr. Cupcake!”
2. “It’s imported from… uh… um … Chesterslovakia.”
1. “Oh, my goodness! I broke a nail! I have to go home!”
“Get back to work, Mr. Jones.”

Torry’s Top Ten 5/22/14

May 22, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top Ten problems created by writing Top Ten lists

by Torry Stiles

10. I always worry about repeating myself.
9. Women keep asking me to hook them up with Wendell Fowler.
8. I always worry about repeating myself.
7. The pig insists on running a SpellCheck and she drools all over the keys.
6. When the FBI’s ten “Most Wanted” list comes out I always figure I could do it funnier… or at least figure out a way to fit in a plug for Long’s Donuts.
5. Casey Kasem is my hero. I only have a Top Ten. He was doing a Top Forty.
4. I have to tell my wife I’m playing Candy Crush to hide the fact I’m working on the next list while at dinner.
3. My sock drawer is overflowing with all the big money I’ve stashed in there. (Ahem… Sarcasm)
2. The Letterman Show people watch me closer than the NSA.
1. Every time I watch the “Seven Little Foys” I think, “They’re three short.”

Torry’s Top Ten

May 15, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten recent Will Rogers quotes (were he alive today) #11

by Torry Stiles

10. “I don’t like thinkin’ I have to own a gun but I like to know I can have one if I want one.”
9. “Our president says if we don’t buy his insurance then we have to pay a fine. Insurance is handy but so is a good pair of shoes an’ I bet nobody would like it if the guv’mint made you buy their shoes.”
8. “They now have cars that can park themselves. A hundred-some years of makin’ automobiles and we are just now makin’ ‘em as smart as a horse.”
7. “A lot of folks are worried about this football player because of who he’d rather share an ice cream sundae with. I wanna know if he can play football.”
6. “I would never call a man a jackass. I like jackasses too much.”
5. “Mr. Hitler showed us that a good press agent can not only put lipstick on a pig but get her married off,too.”
4. “A while back I commented that we should be grateful we weren’t gettin’ all the guv’mint we were paying for. Now it seems they found a way…. an’ they’re buyin’ extra on credit.”
3. “Nowadays it seems I hear more whinin’ from fellers than women when someone breaks a fingernail.”
2. “On my talkin’ radio they got a pig sellin’ life insurance. Back on the farm the only insurance a pig has is its ability to make more pigs.”
1. “I know a few folks who are standing tall only ’cause they’re on another fella’s shoulders.”

Torry’s Top Ten 5/8/14

May 7, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten ways to avoid screwing up Mother’s Day

by Torry Stiles

10. Don’t try to get her drunk.
9. Do not expect her to ride to dinner on the back of your mo-ped.
8. Make sure the name is right on the card. … Yours and hers.
7. Do not use the holiday get-together as an opportunity to avoid the laundromat.
6. Dress nice. Remove any jewelry gaudier than hers…. especially you guys.
5. Tickets to a play are cool. Tickets to the roller derby MAY be cool. Tickets to a gentleman’s club are NOT cool.
4. Make sure the coupon you’re using for the restaurant hasn’t expired.
3. Don’t offer to go “Dutch.”
2. Don’t call your waitress, “sir.”
1. If texting your salutations at least have the decency to NOT add the smiley face.

Torry’s Top Ten

May 1, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs you’re a Southsider #2

by Torry Stiles

10. You refer to the West side as the “F” side.
9. You want to know why only Southport High School folks get to pick the Pope.
8. Everything north of Indy’s 38th Street and south of Kokomo is called Carmel.
7. You still like to point out where the drive-in movies used to be.
6. In your kitchen cabinet there is at least one item stolen from Lotus Garden.
5. You tried a square doughnut but probably won’t again.
4. While driving around you spot at least one of your old cars.
3. You can’t keep yourself from mis-pronouncing “Chatard.”
2. When visiting someone’s home you ask if it’s okay to flush.
1. You give directions by referencing the nearest White Castle.