Torry’s Top Ten 8/21/14

August 21, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten things you should know before heading off to college

10. If it’s wet and it’s not yours; don’t touch it.

9. Forget ramen noodles. Beef-A-Roni is the bomb.

8. No. Your roommate does NOT like cleaning up after you. Get a paper towel and scoop that up before it dries.

7. Maximum shelf life for unrefrigerated left-over pizza is 12 hours. Less if left outdoors or your roomie has a cat.

6. Two dollars worth of Febreeze can replace $20 worth of laundry soap and washing machine quarters. The key is to rotate the dirties and spray when needed.

5. Two dollars worth of Febreeze can replace $20 worth of deodorant and perfume. You had better start getting used to the smell now because your fellow students will know these tricks before Thanksgiving break.

4. Strive to date people whose parents visit regularly and treat for dinner generously.

3. Avoid dating graduate students on grants that don’t include a housing allowance…. unless you really enjoy left-over hippy kids who want to sleep on your floor and complain about your musical tastes.

2. Almost anything is edible with enough hot sauce or Ranch dressing. Stock up on both.

1. You will find that the craziest, funnest people are the least likely to be there next semester. Try not to get too attached to anyone who owns a hookah and their own beer tap.

 

Torry’s Top Ten 8/14/14

August 20, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs that there’s a vocabulary problem here

 

by Torry Stiles

 

10. “They were like a bunch of sheeps.”

“Sheep. You mean sheep.”

“No. There was a bunch of ‘em. Sheeps.”

9. “It was a semantic argument.”

“Oh, no. I didn’t know he was Jewish.”

8. “I can use my left or my right hand. I’m amphibious.”

7. “Daddy’s gonna take us to the Indianapolis Zoo so we can see the orange Tang.”

“The what?”

“The orange Tang. Those big orange monkeys.”

6. “Can we eat at the Chinese place? I like that ornamental food.”

5. “Wolfs eat meat. They’re carnivals.”

4. “I got a good ideal how to fix it.”

“A good idea?”

“What?”

3. “The mechanic said my Cadillac converter was clogged.”

“You mean ‘catalytic converter.’”

“Maybe. It’s a Ford not a Cadillac.”

2. “We’re pretty proud of him. He’s a pillow of the community.”

1. “Where do you keep the lemons?”

“In the refrigerator.”

“No. Lemons. Sheets and towels and stuff.”

 

Torry’s Top Ten 8/07/14

August 7, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten reflections on my daughter’s first wedding anniversary

 

by Torry Stiles

 

(Dear readers: One year ago I gave my only daughter away in marriage. Now she and her husband are celebrating their first anniversary. The calendar keeps turning and there is no stopping it.)

 

10. You were in your new apartment less than a week and already had an official “junk drawer” … I’m so proud right now.

9. Last I counted there were five golf bags with clubs in your new apartment. …. and no dinner plates… um …. Can we discuss priorities?… Before you invite your mother and me over for dinner?

8. Holding the pillow over his face only works in old movies. Try something different. It has to look like an accident.

7. I don’t mind when you guys spend the night here but I do get creeped out when I find his underwear in my drawer.

6. Good dinners are good reasons to come home. Avoid Brussels sprouts.

5. “…to have and to hold ’til death you do part…” It may sound like a way out but murder is wrong.

4. Yes. You have to eat that dried-out hunk of wedding cake thats been in the freezer for a year. I made sure to store it next to the fish sticks.

3. The cats like him, the dogs like him, even the pig likes him. He still needs to stay out of my secret stash of SweetTarts.

2. Instead of grandkids I got guinea pigs. Do you realize how strange that looks when I take them to the movies?

1. He’s lasted longer than any of your goldfish. Avoid overfeeding and keep the water fresh.

Torry’s Top Ten 7/31/14

July 31, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs the guy in the lobby is the one the cops are looking for

 

10. The sign at the door said, “Please take a number.” He took all of them, the dispenser and the sign.

9. He keeps mumbling, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

8. Everybody else has a name tag with their name on it. His says, “You don’t see me.”

7. Every few minutes he peeks up from behind the couch then goes back to whispering into his phone.

6. Every few minutes he kicks his duffle bag to make it stop squirming.

5. Just sitting there… in the lobby… next to the receptionist’s desk… in his pickup truck.

4. He just got done arguing with the artificial ficus tree and is now engaging the water fountain in conversation.

3. He’s the only one wearing bright orange.

2. Every time the elevator bell rings he begins drooling and calling out for a Dr. Pavlov.

1. He’s just sitting there quietly. Reading the Sports Illustrated… naked as the day he was born.

Torry’s Top Ten 7/17/14

July 17, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten recent Torry quotes

 

10. “He’s known to call the Operator to get the number for 911.”

9. “If stupid is as stupid does then you’re doing it right.”

8. “I need my daily dietary requirement of artificial lemon flavor and high fructose corn syrup.”

7. “The only painful part was when it hurt.”

6. (After watching a racecar driver crash out another one) “He wants to win in the worst way and that’s the worse way.”

5. “Only a half-wit runs off half-cocked after hearing only half the story.”

4. “If you don’t get it now then it won’t be any funnier after I have to explain it.”

3. “Last night I refereed a fight between a 70-pound dog and a 150-pound pig. The next match is for the championship.”

2. “Sometimes you find the right thing in the wrong place.”

1. (While coping with someone else’s unruly child) “I wouldn’t need more self-control if you had used more birth control.”

Torry’s Top Ten 7/3/14

July 3, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten reasons you got kicked out of the county fair

 

by Torry Stiles

 

10. Carnies keep a ‘barred list’ and you’re at the top – with pictures and police reports.

9. You tried to shoot out the little red star with your own machine gun.

8. Just because you can hit the cop’s car with a candy apple from the top of the Ferris Wheel doesn’t mean you should.

7. They caught you plastering the Democrats’ tent with the Republicans’ stickers again.

6. You’re not supposed to spit back at the llamas.

5. Even the Gideons were tired of you asking for free stuff.

4. You got caught giving free chili dogs to the kids in line for the Tilt-A-Whirl.

3. The 4H-ers in the Poultry Barn didn’t appreciate the humor of your poking the birds with a fork.

2. Your second place finish in Tuesday’s demolition derby was negated by the fact that the demo derby was on Saturday and was held at the arena and not the east parking lot.

1. You said, “Tastes like horse,” at one concession stand too many.

Torry’s Top Ten

June 27, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten bad responses to the statement, “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

by Torry Stiles

10. “I refuse to pull your finger.”

9. “Nothing surprises me anymore. I’ve been to two World’s Fairs and I’ll tell you a goat story someday.”

8. “If this is about another Pauly Shore movie then just kill me now.”

7. “Is this the kind of surprise that means one of us needs to leave town?”

6. “You’re too young to be my real daddy.”

5. “The last surprise left me in Intensive Care for a week.”

4. “Is this related to the sirens I heard earlier?”

3. “Dang it! Why do I always pick up the cop?”

2. “Oh, no. The last surprise cost me $125 a week for 18 years.”

1. “You’re coming out? A little late, the guys in the shop already figured it out. This is 2014 – no big deal.”

Torry’s Top Ten 6/19/14

June 19, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten things for other people to worry about

 

by Torry Stiles

 

10. Amish crane operators.

9. Civil War re-enactors making the “Pew-pew!” sound when they pretend to shoot their guns.

8. People using the word, “ergo.”

7. Why no one uses the term “ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong” in normal conversation more often.

6. When “four out of five doctors” prefer one medicine over another why do we never check to see if the fifth one might have found something better?

5. What’s in that corndog?

4. Why some restaurants’ French fries do not change shape even after years stuck in between the car seat.

3. What happens to the animals that lose the 4-H contest at the fair?

2. Where the last of the good strawberry jelly went – the one with real chunks of strawberries, not this cheap store brand stuff.

1. That strange scratching noise you think you heard just as you were nodding off last night.

Torry’s Top Ten 5/29/14

May 29, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs you didn’t hire the best

by Torry Stiles

10. “When can I start calling in sick?”
9. “Which one is the boss’ daughter? I hear she’s a hottie.”
“Young man, I happen to be her mother.”
“Guess what I heard about you.”
8. “Where in the company dress code does it say, ‘Zipped up at all times?’”
7. “Which pays better: Workman’s Comp or Unemployment? I can go either way.”
6. “Hey, boss? Where do we keep the fire extinguishers?”
5. “I just have to slide past the drug test this first time, right?”
4. “This clocking in thing – it’s not, like, an everyday thing – is it?”
3. “Good morning, Cupcake!”
“Young man, I happen to be the owner of this company.”
“Good morning, Mr. Cupcake!”
2. “It’s imported from… uh… um … Chesterslovakia.”
1. “Oh, my goodness! I broke a nail! I have to go home!”
“Get back to work, Mr. Jones.”

Torry’s Top Ten 5/22/14

May 22, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top Ten problems created by writing Top Ten lists

by Torry Stiles

10. I always worry about repeating myself.
9. Women keep asking me to hook them up with Wendell Fowler.
8. I always worry about repeating myself.
7. The pig insists on running a SpellCheck and she drools all over the keys.
6. When the FBI’s ten “Most Wanted” list comes out I always figure I could do it funnier… or at least figure out a way to fit in a plug for Long’s Donuts.
5. Casey Kasem is my hero. I only have a Top Ten. He was doing a Top Forty.
4. I have to tell my wife I’m playing Candy Crush to hide the fact I’m working on the next list while at dinner.
3. My sock drawer is overflowing with all the big money I’ve stashed in there. (Ahem… Sarcasm)
2. The Letterman Show people watch me closer than the NSA.
1. Every time I watch the “Seven Little Foys” I think, “They’re three short.”