Torry’s Top Ten 5/29/14

May 29, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs you didn’t hire the best

by Torry Stiles

10. “When can I start calling in sick?”
9. “Which one is the boss’ daughter? I hear she’s a hottie.”
“Young man, I happen to be her mother.”
“Guess what I heard about you.”
8. “Where in the company dress code does it say, ‘Zipped up at all times?’”
7. “Which pays better: Workman’s Comp or Unemployment? I can go either way.”
6. “Hey, boss? Where do we keep the fire extinguishers?”
5. “I just have to slide past the drug test this first time, right?”
4. “This clocking in thing – it’s not, like, an everyday thing – is it?”
3. “Good morning, Cupcake!”
“Young man, I happen to be the owner of this company.”
“Good morning, Mr. Cupcake!”
2. “It’s imported from… uh… um … Chesterslovakia.”
1. “Oh, my goodness! I broke a nail! I have to go home!”
“Get back to work, Mr. Jones.”

Torry’s Top Ten 5/22/14

May 22, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top Ten problems created by writing Top Ten lists

by Torry Stiles

10. I always worry about repeating myself.
9. Women keep asking me to hook them up with Wendell Fowler.
8. I always worry about repeating myself.
7. The pig insists on running a SpellCheck and she drools all over the keys.
6. When the FBI’s ten “Most Wanted” list comes out I always figure I could do it funnier… or at least figure out a way to fit in a plug for Long’s Donuts.
5. Casey Kasem is my hero. I only have a Top Ten. He was doing a Top Forty.
4. I have to tell my wife I’m playing Candy Crush to hide the fact I’m working on the next list while at dinner.
3. My sock drawer is overflowing with all the big money I’ve stashed in there. (Ahem… Sarcasm)
2. The Letterman Show people watch me closer than the NSA.
1. Every time I watch the “Seven Little Foys” I think, “They’re three short.”

Torry’s Top Ten

May 15, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten recent Will Rogers quotes (were he alive today) #11

by Torry Stiles

10. “I don’t like thinkin’ I have to own a gun but I like to know I can have one if I want one.”
9. “Our president says if we don’t buy his insurance then we have to pay a fine. Insurance is handy but so is a good pair of shoes an’ I bet nobody would like it if the guv’mint made you buy their shoes.”
8. “They now have cars that can park themselves. A hundred-some years of makin’ automobiles and we are just now makin’ ‘em as smart as a horse.”
7. “A lot of folks are worried about this football player because of who he’d rather share an ice cream sundae with. I wanna know if he can play football.”
6. “I would never call a man a jackass. I like jackasses too much.”
5. “Mr. Hitler showed us that a good press agent can not only put lipstick on a pig but get her married off,too.”
4. “A while back I commented that we should be grateful we weren’t gettin’ all the guv’mint we were paying for. Now it seems they found a way…. an’ they’re buyin’ extra on credit.”
3. “Nowadays it seems I hear more whinin’ from fellers than women when someone breaks a fingernail.”
2. “On my talkin’ radio they got a pig sellin’ life insurance. Back on the farm the only insurance a pig has is its ability to make more pigs.”
1. “I know a few folks who are standing tall only ’cause they’re on another fella’s shoulders.”

Torry’s Top Ten 5/8/14

May 7, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten ways to avoid screwing up Mother’s Day

by Torry Stiles

10. Don’t try to get her drunk.
9. Do not expect her to ride to dinner on the back of your mo-ped.
8. Make sure the name is right on the card. … Yours and hers.
7. Do not use the holiday get-together as an opportunity to avoid the laundromat.
6. Dress nice. Remove any jewelry gaudier than hers…. especially you guys.
5. Tickets to a play are cool. Tickets to the roller derby MAY be cool. Tickets to a gentleman’s club are NOT cool.
4. Make sure the coupon you’re using for the restaurant hasn’t expired.
3. Don’t offer to go “Dutch.”
2. Don’t call your waitress, “sir.”
1. If texting your salutations at least have the decency to NOT add the smiley face.

Torry’s Top Ten

May 1, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten signs you’re a Southsider #2

by Torry Stiles

10. You refer to the West side as the “F” side.
9. You want to know why only Southport High School folks get to pick the Pope.
8. Everything north of Indy’s 38th Street and south of Kokomo is called Carmel.
7. You still like to point out where the drive-in movies used to be.
6. In your kitchen cabinet there is at least one item stolen from Lotus Garden.
5. You tried a square doughnut but probably won’t again.
4. While driving around you spot at least one of your old cars.
3. You can’t keep yourself from mis-pronouncing “Chatard.”
2. When visiting someone’s home you ask if it’s okay to flush.
1. You give directions by referencing the nearest White Castle.

Torry’s Top Ten

April 23, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top Ten great ways to kick off the start of Little League baseball season

by Torry Stiles

10. Gallagher’s, Brozinni’s and Greek’s Pizzeria all get together to sponsor the league with lots of free pizza …and beer… um, well not for the kids.
9. The candy sale fundraiser is replaced by Casino Night … with beer… um, well not for the kids.
8. I guess this is a bad time to suggest selling beer at Tee-ball games? Yeah. I thought so.
7. Make up new nicknames for the kids. “Hey, looks like the Smith kid is up to bat. Go get ‘em, Poopy-Pants!”
6. Set up a “Time Out” corner for folks who call a kid “Poopy-Pants.”
5. Replace the traditional parade with a mini-van race for the good parking spots. Oh. Wait. We already do that.
4. Share laundry tips as you curse the person who issued white uniforms with “Do Not Bleach” labels.
3. Get with the other parents and set up a betting pool on which kid will be the first to do the Pee-pee Dance.
2. Let the kids pick the team names. No more Yankees or Red Sox. Bring on the Super Duper Ninja Unicorns!
1. Some people look forward to “Throwing Out the First Ball” with a local celebrity on the mound. I look forward to “Throwing Out the First Parent to Drop the ‘F-Bomb’ on an Umpire.”

Torry’s Top Ten 3/20/14

March 20, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten changes they need to make at the Indianapolis Speedrome

by Torry Stiles

10. Replace the inside turn markers with extra-strong pinball machine thumper-bumpers.
9. Monkeys riding billy goats! Sure fire winner!
8. Less draft beer, more dental care.
7. Combination day care / go-kart track.
6. Find a Manning brother and put him in a car. There’s got to be another out there somewhere.
5. Replace the kids’ bicycle races with a bicycle demolition derby.
4. Settle the season championship with a Tables, Ladders and Chairs Battle Royal inside the steel cage.
3. Replace the announcer with the guy who does the animal voices in the Pokemon cartoons.
2. Midget racing isn’t real unless you have actual midgets behind the wheel.
1. Fans love Figure-8 racing, right? Then they’d love Figure-9 racing even more.

Torry’s Top Ten

March 13, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten lessons I’ve learned recently

by Torry Stiles

10. Some things can’t be fixed with some paint.
9. Deaf dogs do not respond to sign language although they seem to be able to lip-read the word, “bath.”
8. Screwdrivers aren’t too good for hammering but hammers are really good for screwing things up.
7. It’s probably illegal for a good reason. Note that I said, “probably.”
6. Every buffet has at least one sniffly, unsupervised child.
5. Grocery store cashiers have heard ALL of the melon jokes.
4. If you don’t know what “bad” smells like then maybe you shouldn’t be doing the cooking.
3. Leave the plastic on the windows until after high school basketball championships.
2. Long’s Donut does not believe in the “5 second rule.” It’s okay. Don’t throw it away.
1. If you haven’t heard it from the horse’s mouth then what part of the horse are you listening to?

Torry Top Ten 2/20/14

February 20, 2014 in Authors, Opinion, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles, Torry's Top Ten

Top ten ways to survive the Viking Ragnarok

by Torry Stiles

(Dear readers – In 2012 it was the Mayans claiming the end of the world. Now the Viking calendar shows the coming of “Ragnarok” when Odin and the other Norse gods will fight to try and save mankind. I’m just trying to help the best I can.)

10. Flame throwers. Lots of flame throwers. Man! This is gonna be SO cool!
9. We’re talking Norse gods here. How bad can it be? Even the Vikings gave up on them. Now, if we were talking Buddha – then I’d be worried.
8. Pop the new “Thor” movies into the DVD player and take notes.
7. Forget the Global Warming arguments. We’re talking Frost Giants here. This ain’t a commercial for a Prius.
6. It all hits the fan on Feb.22…. No way the IRS is going to let us off the hook.
5. Only folks in Scandinavia and Minnesota will be affected.
4. Don’t panic. Just go with it. You’ll get used to the snow. You’ve made it through this year’s.
3. Apparently the whole story involves a lot of wolves. Call Animal Control and let them handle it.
2. Invest in a Bat Signal, hope for the best.
1. Lutefisk. Lots of lutefisk. It’s Norwegian. You need cod and lye. … You eat it. …. The end of time won’t seem too bad.

Torry’s Top Ten 2/6/14

February 6, 2014 in Authors, Community, Southside Articles, Torry Stiles

Top ten things folks are saying about meteorologists these days

by Torry Stiles

10. “I want them on a TV talent show so we can vote them off.”
9. “Let’s face it. The Number One skill required of a TV weatherman is the ability to remember to always zip his fly.”
8. “I think they use the Dog Method. They let the dog out:
- If he comes back wet, it’s raining.
- If he comes back shivering, it’s cold.
- If he comes back as a cat, it’s the Twilight Zone.”
7. “I just want to know how many more times they think we need to know that the northern half of the state will probably be colder.”
6. “I don’t let it bother me. Look at the sports guy he has to work with. What a doofus.”
5. CENSORED
4. “We just pray for him. Just prayer. We pray for warmer weather, too. Or to hit the lottery; we’re good with that.”
3. “I want him to come shovel this partly cloudy off my driveway.”
2. “I give up. … Get in the van, kids. We’re going to Kroger’s! … Where’s my hardhat and cattle prod.?”
1. “I hope they all invested in ‘Denver Broncos Super Bowl Champs 2014′ memorabilia.”